Perfectionism

Thinking about writing a blog post has always led to the same conclusion, I am not qualified. Besides, “Who am I to write a blog post? What could I possibly have to say that is worth sharing?”

This nay-saying voice is my frenemy, Perfectionism. She is the one telling me not to write because I am not ready, I am no professional and I certainly have nothing profound to say. Do you know her too? That little voice that says you’re not good enough unless you deliver a triple A+++, each and every time? Perfectionism is the voice that keeps you from taking that class, she makes you fret for hours editing one text to an acquaintance (heaven forbid there is a typo), and she keeps you from really letting the world see you for you.

One day, when feeling particularly inspired, I asked myself what I was waiting for- why wasn’t it the right time to begin writing? The answer: it won’t be perfect. It occurred to me that I may not be alone in struggling with perfectionism and that this may be a great place to start this blog. So, on that note, here it goes.

Perfectionism is one of those topics that can be discussed from so many different angles. Perfectionism is not just a behavior; it is a way of existing. For many people, it is a way of measuring their worth as a human on this planet. For me, perfectionism permeates my entire existence. As mentioned earlier, I call perfectionism my frenemy within. This is because it is a fiercely persistent drive to be a great person- likable, smart, a great friend, mom, wife, a savvy businesswoman. All this comes at a cost. You see, these are all good goals, but with perfectionism, there tends to be an underlying feeling of inadequacy. Perfectionism is the voice that constantly nags, causes self-doubt and becomes a tireless hunger for acceptance and external validation. Perfectionism isn’t the friend who cheers you on, who is kind and compassionate when things don’t go quite as planned. Perfectionism is the frenemy that will tell you you’re never good enough, not lovable; that your goals are just too big.

For me, perfectionism has looked like this:

When I went back to school at age 28, I had some serious self-esteem issues. It didn’t help that I verbally bashed myself for being “so old”. There I was, going to school with kids who were “doing it right”- going to college at 18. I couldn’t shake the shame and guilt. Suddenly, I had a lot to prove to the world. I had to get this school stuff right. I had to be the best. Maybe then I would feel as though I mattered. Maybe then, I would get the sort of praise and attention I felt I needed.

This led to a 4.0 GPA for all four years. I became president of the school’s Accounting Society, networked at all the school events and ended up in a Big 4 accounting firm as an auditor. I was also a single mom with a 5-year-old daughter. I had to prove that I was something more than some statistic of a flailing single mother working her ass off to make ends meet.

Nobody knew I was so hyper focused on outcome that there was no joy in the actual process. If I got a B on an assignment my world fell apart. I would tell myself what a piece of crap I was and beat myself up for whatever mistake I had made. I was completely fried for that entire four-year period. My only satisfaction was maintaining a perfect GPA. During this time, I missed my daughter’s successes. I missed out on being present with her.

Perfectionism meant I was living my life based off what I thought others wanted to see. The perfect student, the one that was going somewhere, the perfect mom, in-shape, stylish- downright, well…. perfect. I ended up in a place that didn’t feel like my own. I had managed to get my CPA and land a position at a high-profile accounting firm. I had achieved the coveted accomplishments with precision- and I was miserable. I was living a life that was for someone else, not me. Nothing I had done to get to this place was done with intention- it was all in an effort to be perceived as perfect to others. Don’t get me wrong, I worked incredibly hard to get to where I was, but I was exhausted and disappointed. I had no sense of fulfillment.

Perfectionism has played out in other aspects of my life as well. For example, when I was little I was a swimmer. I was strong and powerful with thick, strong legs that helped me cut through water like air. I had friends who were gentle little birds- they had the body of a ballerina- spindly legs, graceful arms and flat little bellies. I wanted that appearance. For as long as I can remember I felt like that was the body I needed. Why? Because it was beautiful, and that’s how I should look in order for the world to actually see me. To be lovable, I felt I needed to look perfect. My dad unknowingly added to this body complex by calling me “thunder thighs”. He loved the fact that I was athletic and strong and was oblivious that I internalized his comments negatively. For me, it was confirmation that I didn’t have the petite, graceful physique I coveted.

This thought pattern evolved over the years and presented itself as someone obsessed with working out, dieting, going under the knife and even addiction. This need to be physically perfect took me far away from reality, took me out of living in the present- it took me out of the driver’s seat of my life. This ranged from small intimate moments to big picture moments- like choosing to be upset about my pant size rather than enjoy the beautiful winery I took my mom to visit for her birthday.

Here is one for you, have you ever been in the throes of a heated, passionate moment with a partner (or yourself) and looked down at your body, noticed a dimple or a roll and suddenly felt ashamed, embarrassed and even disgusted? Just like that, you are snapped out of that pleasurable experience and into your head- the frenemy within screaming at you with a bullhorn, “You think this is attractive? What are you doing? Cover-up! Tomorrow you are not eating all day and you will absolutely go to spin class!” Let me tell you this- your partner probably doesn’t see what you see. They are enjoying themselves and you. They may even love that roll that you are now focused on hiding!

If this sounds familiar, you are not alone.

Let’s back up a minute and think about the effects of perfectionism- the stress, the constant dissatisfaction, the constant aiming for an unattainable goal, one that is always moving. Perfectionism isn’t sustainable and is actually a form of self-sabotage. If we simply talk about the psychological effects of consistent stress, it points directly at depression and anxiety. This mental state has been proven to have damaging effects on health. In fact, stress is linked to many physical ailments such as heart disease, migraine headaches, and auto-immune disorders.

I am writing this piece because I suspect that there are many readers out there who can identify with my stories in one way or another. I am writing this because, while this post may not be perfectly said, it means something to me to be able to share and strike some common ground with readers.

A chronic pain condition that set in during 2017 is What led me to break some of my perfectionistic patterns. I won’t go into detail here, but what I want to convey is that when I started to embrace self-compassion rather than self-deprecation, things started to change. Life felt different. I felt comfortable, I felt at ease- I felt curious and most of all, I felt safe. Safe to make a mistake and shrug it off, to learn from “mistakes” and feel proud of myself for leaning into the experience rather than the need for a perfect outcome. Life has become about the process, about trusting the process. The gift of drifting with the tide of imperfection has been a world of self-discovery and true confidence. Learning self-compassion has been a powerful weapon against perfectionistic tendencies as well as dealing with my mental and physical health.

If there is one take away from this read, I hope it is that you are not alone in feeling driven by perfectionism. I hope you see that is truly okay to be you- with all your faults and beautiful little imperfections. In fact, it is all the little imperfections that we carry that makes life interesting. Even more so, it is okay to let go of the reigns, you don’t need to hold on so tight. It is safe to let go. Change the way you talk to yourself, take a soft tone and light a touch- encourage yourself. Embrace that free and open way of existing and see where that journey leads you. I promise, the road is paved with goodness and joy.

In letting go of perfectionism, we can all take a long, deep breath. We can breathe out a collective sigh of relief and begin living life. I’ll be right there with you; we can do it together. I just started by writing this very imperfect article. What will be your first step?