On October 27th, 2017, after a year of seeing multiple doctors, all of them puzzled and some mocking, I was diagnosed with hormonally mediated vestibulodynia. That became vulvar neuralgia. The medical appointments and painful testing continued, including seven vulvar biopsies. At one point, I was misdiagnosed with Lichen Sclerosis, the absolute worst possible outcome. Naturally, my anxiety spiked with these awful diagnoses and even worse prognoses, causing my pelvic floor muscles to react. Pelvic floor dysfunction was added to the list of the many things that were wrong with me. Ultimately, I ended up with pudendal neuralgia to top it off. And no, I promise, I am not a hypochondriac, this is just how my case evolved.
My physical symptoms included sensations of being kicked repeatedly in the crotch with a steel toe boot, being slashed with a razor, acid being poured on the skin, pulling of the tailbone to my pubic bone as well as the feeling that a swarm of angry wasps are stinging the inside of my vagina – not to mention severe constipation.
With all the symptoms, pain, appointments, testing, poking, prodding, changing diagnoses, and the impact they all had on my life, the psychological symptoms kicked in. The pain and diagnoses amplified a belief that my worth is directly connected to what I can, or can’t, do. My life in the present was unbearable. The despair of losing of all my dreams, ambitions, plans I had created felt like a new level of hell. I believed that I was dirt. I believed that I somehow deserved everything that was happening to me. I felt unworthy of love and my relationship with my boyfriend (now husband). I stopped seeing friends. My career ambitions were shot. I lost sight of myself and my future self. I had lost all control. I was broken. Life did not seem like it was worth living.
Life stopped. I could not work or properly care for my daughter. I could no longer exercise (I have always been an athlete) or do anything that I used to enjoy. I couldn’t wear pants or high heels. I began tying whether or not life was worth living to a specific outcome: the pain going away. I would think, “When my pain goes away, I will go out to dinner with my friends. And, “I will study for the certifications I need to advance my career, if my pain goes away.”
Meanwhile, life around me went on. My daughter’s birthdays came and went. She had her first romantic relationship and started driving. Friends and relatives got married and had babies. I sat out of countless social opportunities. The pain ruled my life.
My thoughts were a prison of limiting beliefs. I thought:
· I’ll never be great at anything ever again;
· I deserve this, I must be bad;
· I will never have a social life again;
· I will never have sex again;
· I will never go to spin class, ride a bike, run, lift weights, ski, do yoga, etc. again;
· I will never feel feminine again;
· I will never wear pants again, especially my skinny jeans;
· I will never wear high heels again;
· I am worthless;
· I can’t have a dream job or plan for a promotion;
· My body betrayed me; and
· I am dirt.
When I realized how lonely I was and that I was about to waste the whole life ahead of me, I recognized that I was letting the pain win. I began working with a psychologist and soon understood that I had it in me to create internal growth that could outshine this obstacle and any others. I found my internal beauty – a limitless well of love that changes worlds when it is allowed to shine outward. When I was able to expand my outlook I recognized the qualities and strengths that I had cultivated during my struggle, I realized that I had the power to control my mindset. By shifting my mindset, my being shifted and everything changed. I have curated a life that I love – a life that I have the power to shape.
This, my friend, is what I am going to help you do. My story is messy and it has been hard. Maybe your story is too. I still have days when I struggle, but this doesn’t mean that I am not worthy. It does not mean I am not enough. I want to show you that you are enough too. I am here to offer you motivation, compassion, love, hope, comfort, support and connection. I am here to hold your hand and walk the line right by your side, no matter where in your journey this message finds you. You are worthy of receiving all the goodness this world has to offer, even with pain.